Numbers on a Scale..

May '15

I got upset this morning after weighing in...  

Here I was, drenched in sweat after getting up at 6 am to do 30 mins on the treadmill, feeling really good about myself, positive and motivated, thinking about what I was going to wear today, and then I looked down at the scales - where I lost weight BUT only half a pound.  And what happened?  I felt like crying and eating a Mars Bar...  Honestly if there had been chocolate in the bathroom there would have been a full body melt down.   Just felt like giving in, what's the point?  Forget that I've been eating really well, forget that I've been exercising consistently for the last two weeks, forget that I've seriously cut back on wine, cheese, chocolate - what chocolate?  I ONLY lost half a pound.  I felt like crying and thinking about it now, it's so stupid I feel like crying again.  

How can a number on the scales make me feel so bad about myself?  Why does it hold such power over me?    These last two weeks not only have I been living a fit and healthy lifestyle, I've been setting a great example for the kids.  They're walking to and home from school without complaint, it's pretty much gone unnoticed that desserts have stopped during the week, we sit down as a family every morning and eat boiled eggs & brown bread / porridge for breakfast, the sugary cereals have become a sometime snack, I'm making healthier dinners and replacing unhealthy snacks with slightly better choices such as home made popcorn - Jack even liked the roasted chickpeas!  So why do I feel like I've failed this week?  

 Bernard told me / reminded me that the scales can't accurately reflect on effort - especially a scales that can fluctuate a couple of pounds depending on where you place it on the bathroom floor. He reminded me that changes can take time to show and a week isn't long enough to judge or to see results.  He's reminded me of the efforts I've been making, the sacrifices I've made, and how happy I've been to make them because the consequences have been so much better.   He's reminded me how I've been feeling so good about myself and told me that I've been looking amazing recently (ahhh!).  He told me that he's been so impressed with my 'running' and the happy effect it has on me, that he's thinking of taking it up himself   These are good things, and that's what I'm going to take with me from this morning.  

Fuck the scales.  I'm more than a number.  I'm a mom, and a wife, and an inspiration, and I'm getting healthy.  

A Quandary ...

A Quandary... with regard to, what else  but, my weight...   

(from April '15)

On one side - 

I am fat (this is no surprise to anyone that knows me to see).

I hate how I look - so big and wide.  My face is bloated and I have a double chin.  I'm not pretty - but think I could be if I lost weight.  I don't have nice clothes - can't fit into what Penney's sells, and can't afford to buy pretty, stylish clothes in a boutique. (I hate the likes of Evan's which just sells clothes in a big size - i think a lot of their clothes don't suit the 'larger frame' and certain people shouldn't wear certain clothes just because its in their size...just a little side note).  So I shop in Marks & Spencer and end up buying the same top in 7 different colours - long sleeve for winter, short sleeve for summer.  This is why I hate socialising, any sort of family event or party.

I have a pair of trousers I bought when Jack was born (he was 12 in Nov) and I still wear them to any 'events' we go to. They're black pin stripe so suit both funerals and the happier things like family meals, Christmas parties,etc.  It is actually embarrassing how many times i have worn those trousers (on the plus size, way to get value for money!)  

I love (finishing) a run but hate how I look when I exercise - very red, sweating, a LOT of bounce, so have to do my exercise 'out of hours' .  

I don't feel like I'm setting a good example for my kids, being this size. I wish I could stop eating biscuits, chocolate, etc when I am full instead of til the pack, tin, box is empty. 

I am dreading Jack's confirmation because I know I won't be happy with the clothes i buy / won't look well. 

On the other side - 

This is the size I am.  

My husband loves me and finds me attractive.  Would he be happier if I lost weight?  Honestly, I don't know.  I know when I've lost weight before I felt prettier, more confident and that put a strut in my walk so to speak, which he appreciated, but I think he was responding more to my confidence than to my appearance...   

Maybe I should spend more time buying clothes that look good / suit me and have a smaller (pun!) wardrobe with select pieces than a huge wardrobe full of the same drab clothes that fit me (ie the buttons close)...  

To exercise I have to get out early in the morning - so people can't see me, it never gets done later on as I'm too tired.  But when the alarm goes off and Bernard cuddles up to me and says 'five more minutes' - I just want to stay in bed.  

I like going for my 'date' with Bernard at lunch times on Fridays. And we recently discovered an Indian in Swords that does a really good lunch deal five days a week.  Sometimes we've been going to that on a Wednesday (mom collects kids after school and gives them dinner) AND then the Chinese on a Friday.  I like to sit down in a nice restaurant and get dinner handed to me, and talk with Bernard - the food is good and cheap, and the company is always entertaining.  Why would we sit in work and eat our brown bread salad sandwiches instead...?   We enjoy sharing a bottle of wine and cheese on crackers while bingeing on Netflix.  Could we do the same with water & apple slices?  I dunnoe but not sure it has the same appeal.    

I might not be setting a good examples for my kids being this weight, but then again - I'm happy, I have a good relationship with my husband, I work, we laugh a lot.  We sit down together at the kitchen table as a family every morning for breakfast, and most nights for dinner.  I take them to the library and to their activities and take an interest in what they do. I collect them from school or am here waiting for them when they come home.  So maybe being 'thin' isn't the only way to motivate...   

Shouldn't social events be enjoyable - just to be with friends, family?  I'm always happy just to see people I love and never care what they're wearing, why do I think they care more about what I wear than whether or not I'm there?  Why is what I wear and how I feel more important than Jack on his big day? ...  I don't know what my kids will grow up to be - shouldn't I be teaching them to love themselves, be confident in whatever they become?  Be it gay, fat, successful... whatever?  Never to let other people's opinion (or what they think other people are thinking....)  rule the way they live their lives.  Always hold their head up and be proud....I know women that are big and yet are attractive.  Always dress so well and come across so well put together and... sexy.  But i think that's a confidence thing - I certainly don't have it now.  Will I have it if I lost weight? I don't know.  

Would I be happier losing the weight?  Should I be saying no to the lunches with Bernard and the glass of wine?  Should I be getting up out of bed at 6 and (trying) to go for a run? I used to enjoy the time to myself after a run, enjoying a coffee in the quiet before the kids came down to breakfast, but I enjoy Bobby coming into my bed to talk with me in the mornings while Bernard's in the shower.  That's time I might not get with Bobby otherwise..   I enjoyed the challenge of training for a half marathon - but I did it.  Losing weight might stop people's snide comments - but just the weight comments, I'm sure they'll still find something to say.  

Would I be happier accepting who I am?  Embrace it?  Spend more time on my appearance and be happy?  Rather than second guessing myself the whole time. I shouldn't be doing this, eating this, wearing this. I should be doing that and look like her... 

Or am I just being lazy and making excuses?!?

Training Progress in Pictures

I've found out how to put images into my blog so decided to be all 'arty' and update you on my 'training progress' in picture format...

Seeing as the days are getting longer, and this evening was lovely, Ava and I went out for a walk / run ...

Started out like this....

Then This ....

to This ....

Ava was not at all happy she had to wait for me...

As a daughter, she's my best friend.  As a trainer, she's a bit of a bitch!

Unfortunately, as it's less than seven weeks to the mini marathon (10k), I'm going to have to bring her out with me more often.

Have To Walk Before You Can Run

I'd better get back on track with this weight loss / getting fit project quick!  It seems my concert / drinking session last Monday, my indulgent break to County Clare, the Easter egg overload, kids off school making it difficult to get out exercising, and a meal out with the girls last night, has resulted in a 2 steps forward, 326 steps back.  That might be a slight exaggeration but I don't really know because my weighing scales has decided to stop working .  No, I did not break it.  It just needs a new battery but I am in rush to fix that slight problem to be honest.

Last night I took Bobby to his football training and I usually relax with a book for the hour. But I decided to be healthy and jump start my 'weight loss / getting fit project' again by going for a walk instead.  It was a lovely evening, still bright but cold and crisp, and I walked as fast as I could for twenty five minutes before turning around.  I had no music with me so I just talked to myself - I'm a great conversationalist! Now even though I was walking I was trying to work out what I was going to order in the Chinese later on that night, but it was a start, right? And better than sitting down, reading a book and scoffing more chocolate!

While walking, I heard footsteps slapping the pavement behind me.  Then I could hear panting, and a heavy woman jogged past me. She was wearing loose black tracksuit bottoms, and a black top.  Her hair was long and covering her face.  She was red and sweating and breathing heavily.  She was running bent slightly forward, like someone had their hand placed in the centre of her back and was pushing her.  She looked like she very badly wanted to stop running, but you could feel the determination coming off her in waves - there was no way she was stopping until she was done.  I don't know what was pushing her - a determination to reach a certain distance, time? A determination to lose weight? A determination to just meet goals she has set for herself?  Either way, I actually felt like clapping and applauding her.  I wanted to shout out  'Fair play, you're doing great!'.  (I didn't of course, I'm not that weird!) But I felt 'If she can do it, I can do it!' and I walked that bit faster.  Instead of planning my Chinese I started thinking about a meal plan and exercise schedule for the week ahead.  

Then from the opposite direction, coming towards me, was an Amazon woman.  Tall, sleek, blonde hair up off her face in a pony tail, fluorescent yellow jacket and tight leggings, leaping down the road.  She was running, not a drop of sweat disturbing her perfect make up, and bouncing, no - jumping!, up in the air with every step.  (I actually wanted her to trip and fall, but I digress...)   I guess she had to start somewhere too - maybe at the point I am at now.  Again, 'If she can do it, I can do it!'  Obviously not right away - but you get the point.  (and I'll be leaving the bright yellow jacket at home).

Each journey starts with a single step.  And I'm back - walking for now.

Climate Change

Last week in work I got a surprise text from Bernard to say he had booked a holiday cottage in County Clare for the Easter weekend (aaaah!).  A short family break away - bliss!  Unfortunately, this happy news seemed to coincide with the abrupt change in our weather.  What happened to global warming?  Why couldn't we have a bit of that?  No, in Ireland it's all about climate change.  Irish weather used to be cold and wet.  Now, thanks to climate 'change', it's colder and wetter, with added snow.  Snowing? In Ireland??  For Easter break???  It's beyond a joke.  And, despite it snowing for the second day in a row, it's still not sticking.  Kids are off school, it's been snowing pretty consistently, and yet there's not enough to make a freaking snowball.  However, there is just enough to ensure that the kids are holed up indoors, noses glued to the windows, driving.their.parents.mad.

But there's a swimming pool in Clare to keep the kids happy, and a fridge to keep the wine cold, which in turn keeps Mommy very happy.  Just as long as we get there....

Reunited

Well the kids are home and happily reunited with their playstation / less favoured animals that were carefully, and with much guilt, selected to remain home to await Ava's return (as it was she took Dog, Unicorn, Snowy Leopard, Auntie Elepant, Kaloo, Fluffy Ears, and Bear, along with some 'things to play with'. But there's only so much room in the car). They've each said they missed me. Of course I said I missed them too but I actually believe they meant it.  :-)

Jack is continuing to learn things the hard way.. He said he always thought I 'was just born harsh'  but he now realises there is someone 'even more devilish' than me and that Grandma is definitely 'hardcore'! Apparently I trained at the hands of a master.

Rock and Roll

What a great night!  Rushed home from work yesterday, grabbed a sandwich, and then dropped the kids to Grandma's before getting home again to change. Our friend Dave collected us and off we went into town, checked in (The Morgan Hotel - very posh!) and were down having drinks in the bar in olympic time. We may be old but we can move fairly fast when there's alcohol to be had! Dave's wife Orla met us in the bar for a drink, and we had time for a quick bite to eat before heading to the gig....  

We had seated tickets and I was relieved to see that I was conveniently placed close to both the bar and the toilets - important priorities.  I looked around the crowd and couldn't see any psychedelic, off the shoulder jumpers with stonewashed jeans. What I did see was a group of forty somethings with glasses, cardigans, and bald spots starting to form at the top of a lot of heads.  And then the party started... and by 'party' I mean music because people were complaining and calling over the attendants whenever someone stood up out of their seat!!  So there was very loud singing and very polite clapping   :-)    Eventually, the curmudgeon was ignored and people did stand and start to wave their hands in the air....  La la la la la la LA la lalalalalalala, walk on by, la la la ....  But after each song, people would sit back into their seats before thinking it over and deciding whether or not to stand up again for the next song.  But they didn't just 'sit down', most people actually looked down behind  them, as if to ensure the seat was still there, before sort of lowering themselves slowly back onto the seat.  This was not a nimble crowd.

Fortunately, Jim Kerr and Simple Minds were in flying form.  The lighting was brilliant, the sound was fantastic, and of course the music is simply great.  At the end of the show, the polite crowd stood up and patiently waited their turn to exit their row of seats. There was no immature chanting or demands for more - it was approaching midnight after all.

Back to the hotel for a nightcap (mojito, anyone?) before heading up to our respective rooms.  How delightful the slumber when it is not interrupted by children's voices at 6 am...  Then breakfast in bed...  Standing in reception when checking out, I watched as snow flakes fell onto Dublin's cobble streets - it was like a picture from a fairy tale... Then home.

I'll be leaving to get the kids shortly - funny how they seem so much funnier, and loving, and sweet when they're somewhere else.  But at the moment, I'm sitting here on my couch, snuggled in my sweatshirt, looking out at the snow, with a big mug of hot tea in my  hand.  Yep, I am so rock and roll.