A Quandary ...

A Quandary... with regard to, what else  but, my weight...   

(from April '15)

On one side - 

I am fat (this is no surprise to anyone that knows me to see).

I hate how I look - so big and wide.  My face is bloated and I have a double chin.  I'm not pretty - but think I could be if I lost weight.  I don't have nice clothes - can't fit into what Penney's sells, and can't afford to buy pretty, stylish clothes in a boutique. (I hate the likes of Evan's which just sells clothes in a big size - i think a lot of their clothes don't suit the 'larger frame' and certain people shouldn't wear certain clothes just because its in their size...just a little side note).  So I shop in Marks & Spencer and end up buying the same top in 7 different colours - long sleeve for winter, short sleeve for summer.  This is why I hate socialising, any sort of family event or party.

I have a pair of trousers I bought when Jack was born (he was 12 in Nov) and I still wear them to any 'events' we go to. They're black pin stripe so suit both funerals and the happier things like family meals, Christmas parties,etc.  It is actually embarrassing how many times i have worn those trousers (on the plus size, way to get value for money!)  

I love (finishing) a run but hate how I look when I exercise - very red, sweating, a LOT of bounce, so have to do my exercise 'out of hours' .  

I don't feel like I'm setting a good example for my kids, being this size. I wish I could stop eating biscuits, chocolate, etc when I am full instead of til the pack, tin, box is empty. 

I am dreading Jack's confirmation because I know I won't be happy with the clothes i buy / won't look well. 

On the other side - 

This is the size I am.  

My husband loves me and finds me attractive.  Would he be happier if I lost weight?  Honestly, I don't know.  I know when I've lost weight before I felt prettier, more confident and that put a strut in my walk so to speak, which he appreciated, but I think he was responding more to my confidence than to my appearance...   

Maybe I should spend more time buying clothes that look good / suit me and have a smaller (pun!) wardrobe with select pieces than a huge wardrobe full of the same drab clothes that fit me (ie the buttons close)...  

To exercise I have to get out early in the morning - so people can't see me, it never gets done later on as I'm too tired.  But when the alarm goes off and Bernard cuddles up to me and says 'five more minutes' - I just want to stay in bed.  

I like going for my 'date' with Bernard at lunch times on Fridays. And we recently discovered an Indian in Swords that does a really good lunch deal five days a week.  Sometimes we've been going to that on a Wednesday (mom collects kids after school and gives them dinner) AND then the Chinese on a Friday.  I like to sit down in a nice restaurant and get dinner handed to me, and talk with Bernard - the food is good and cheap, and the company is always entertaining.  Why would we sit in work and eat our brown bread salad sandwiches instead...?   We enjoy sharing a bottle of wine and cheese on crackers while bingeing on Netflix.  Could we do the same with water & apple slices?  I dunnoe but not sure it has the same appeal.    

I might not be setting a good examples for my kids being this weight, but then again - I'm happy, I have a good relationship with my husband, I work, we laugh a lot.  We sit down together at the kitchen table as a family every morning for breakfast, and most nights for dinner.  I take them to the library and to their activities and take an interest in what they do. I collect them from school or am here waiting for them when they come home.  So maybe being 'thin' isn't the only way to motivate...   

Shouldn't social events be enjoyable - just to be with friends, family?  I'm always happy just to see people I love and never care what they're wearing, why do I think they care more about what I wear than whether or not I'm there?  Why is what I wear and how I feel more important than Jack on his big day? ...  I don't know what my kids will grow up to be - shouldn't I be teaching them to love themselves, be confident in whatever they become?  Be it gay, fat, successful... whatever?  Never to let other people's opinion (or what they think other people are thinking....)  rule the way they live their lives.  Always hold their head up and be proud....I know women that are big and yet are attractive.  Always dress so well and come across so well put together and... sexy.  But i think that's a confidence thing - I certainly don't have it now.  Will I have it if I lost weight? I don't know.  

Would I be happier losing the weight?  Should I be saying no to the lunches with Bernard and the glass of wine?  Should I be getting up out of bed at 6 and (trying) to go for a run? I used to enjoy the time to myself after a run, enjoying a coffee in the quiet before the kids came down to breakfast, but I enjoy Bobby coming into my bed to talk with me in the mornings while Bernard's in the shower.  That's time I might not get with Bobby otherwise..   I enjoyed the challenge of training for a half marathon - but I did it.  Losing weight might stop people's snide comments - but just the weight comments, I'm sure they'll still find something to say.  

Would I be happier accepting who I am?  Embrace it?  Spend more time on my appearance and be happy?  Rather than second guessing myself the whole time. I shouldn't be doing this, eating this, wearing this. I should be doing that and look like her... 

Or am I just being lazy and making excuses?!?